i am totally and completely alone. there is no one here but me and there never has been. no matter how much i think i'm talking to someone, i'm not--not really. sound waves run through my ear canals and get converted into electrical signals in my brain. i react to those signals and rub my vocal chords together in learned ways and i think--the keyword here is 'think'--i think that i'm having a conversation, through that simple action/reaction. this exact same thing happens in my dreams--i have memories of it happening--but does that mean that those people in my dreams exist? it's all a fucking memory--without memory, the human would not function the way it does.
i am sooo alone and i always have been--i've just been pretending otherwise. why? why have i been pretending that i'm not alone? it took me all of ten minutes to figure out that i have never spoken to another person before--well, i've gone through the motions that define 'speaking' but what are they? still just motions, no different from the motions of eating a child. why is the thought of killing another person so scary? how is unloading the payload of a firearm different from doing anything else? the only thing that makes it different is thought. because truthfully, it isn't.
but what's really interesting is, knowing that, figuring it out for myself like that, do i believe it? does figuring it out like that overcome the fear of doing it? could i kill another person?
why does the ego try to perpetuate itself? why does it want to live so desperately?
No comments:
Post a Comment