what came before my ego?

if i get rid of all of my fears (i'm not sure if that's possible), will my ego go away, too? i think my ego is comprised of more than just my fears...or maybe not. maybe my ego exists only because of my fears. if my ego is just the collection of thoughts that runs rampant in my head and it's based on my fear, then will abolishing fear abolish my ego? is it even possible to kill the ego?

so far the only thing i know for sure is that i don't know anything for sure. there isn't any meaning to life and the only thing i can really prove to myself is whether i'll die or not if i kill myself...but i'm too afraid to do that. would that be proving it to my self, though, or would my self die in the process?

what makes me feel good about my self?

i feel good about myself when i receive validation from other people, people who are not my self. when someone tells me that they like the way that i do something or the way that i look, that makes me feel good about my self. why? because i want the love and recognition of other people. but there's no such thing...i forgot...i'm completely alone. why do i want those things? i want to be loved and recognized because i want to belong to a larger whole--i want to be a part of something. why? because i am afraid to be alone. so i trick myself into believing that i'm not alone.

has my ego always existed? what came before my ego? nothingness? how did my ego come into being? has he evolved and changed? evolved? yes, he's more clever than he once was, i suppose--he covers up his tracks better. changed? oh, definitely; the ego i am today is not the ego i was 10 years ago...although it is...