i am afraid of death. i am afraid of rejection. i am afraid of...what?
okay, so i know that i'm afraid of death. how do i confront this fear? how i stare it straight in the face? how do i become comfortable with death? i could try sitting around with loaded gun pointed at my head but somehow i don't think that's what this is all about.
what is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me? would it be facing my own death or seeing the ones i love face their deaths?
why am i afraid of death?
i am afraid of death because i have learned to be. i have learned to be afraid of death from other people. the dream has taught me to be afraid of death. if death comes...sadness will follow, and that's what i fear...the coming of sadness. that's not right... i think i hold on to people and things so dearly that i don't want to lose them. i've got to realize that there's nothing to hold on to in the first place...i'm floating in an air bubble and i always have been...
when did i first become afraid of death?
i can't say for sure, but it seems like something i would've learned to be afraid of early on. when did i first understand death? was it at that same moment that i became afraid of death? death means, 'the end.' why is that scary? my memory doesn't serve me well enough to know when i first became afraid of death, but i know that i haven't always been afraid of death. there was a time when i didn't understand death...and it was at that time i wasn't afraid of death. once i understood death, i was afraid of it. i wonder how i learned what death was...i wonder what happened that exact day. i wonder which day it was, what i was doing...
what has to happen in order for me to feel the fear emotion?
seeing someone i love about to die, dying, or dead. realizing that that source of...emotional fuel, perhaps...is gone. what about seeing some thing i love die? for example, the death of music; what if all music died and never lived again. would that trigger the fear? in order to get over this fear, do i have to watch people i love die? there has to be a better way.
when did i decide to be afraid of death?
was it perhaps right after i understood what death was? maybe i wasn't scared of death when i first understood it...there was a period of simple acceptance...but no, that doesn't seem right. i'm pretty sure once i realized what death was, i decided to be afraid of it. i'm not sure if it was a well thought out, conscious decision...i was probably very young.
what is death?
death is loss; defeat. god, i can't fucking expect to live forever though, can i? i mean, seriously, everyone's going to fucking die someday anyway and there's not a damn thing i can do about it. am i stupid? i need to get a fucking grip--this fairytale world isn't going to last forever. i need start acknowledging some things. this--everything i know, every thought i have--will-not-last. everything i know will die, eventually, and i've simply got to accept that.
my mom's gonna die, my dad's gonna die--they might even die before each other. my mom could die in a car accident--imagine what that would be like...to go home tomorrow and realize that my mom is dead...to realize that i'm never going to see her again. we're obviously not our bodies, because i would probably see her body again and she would not be there. THIS SCENARIO IS A REAL POSSIBILITY...i need to accept it. it could happen...
i want to know that i'm making progress so that i can know i'm going in the right direction. how do i know if i'm making progress? i feel like i'm making progress...i'm already confronting some fears. i need to keep going, to think about the death's of every person i know. i need to imagine what would happen if everything was stripped away from me, what would that be like?
music is my life--what if i went deaf tomorrow? i would have no life, no passion--nothing would mean anything anymore. nothing would make sense. i would feel anguish and sorrow, hatred towards the world and everything in it. how fucking unstable is that thought process? this is a real possibility and i need to fucking accept it. i could go deaf tomorrow and never hear a sweet drop of music again...
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