how will i know when i've said something true? if the only thing i know is bullshit, then how will i know the truth when i see it? maybe that's what truth is--lack of bullshit.
what i'm wondering is, why isn't everyone doing this? why isn't everyone trying to think for themselves? why does everyone just let the thoughts, beliefs, and ideas of people far dumber than themselves walk all over their minds? maybe they're the dumb ones. is thinking for yourself really more intelligent? it seems more logical at least...
the only reason i can think of as to why people don't think for themselves is because it's scary. it's scary to have to figure things out on your own, to really look at your SELF. self. what the fuck is that? we talk about it like we know, but we don't. what is self? what am i? where am i? how did i get here? who am i? that's a question i don't know how to answer...
say something true--and don't be afraid to; if it ends up not being true, you can always try again. well, here goes...
i...am afraid to die. i am afraid of death. i am afraid of dying. if i were to put a loaded .45 to my head right now with the safety off, i would feel uncomfortable. why? what am i so afraid of? i have no idea what will happen if i pull the trigger. i suppose i imagine i will die...that or great pain will be inflicted upon me and i'll live, but mostly i assume i am imaging my own death. and what is death? as far as i know, it's something i've never experienced. is it the end? the end of what? me? what is me?
when i think of death, life comes to mind. my life. the things i enjoy--eating, drinking, music, sleeping, fucking, breathing--the people i love...and i think of them dying too, i guess. not really dying, but i think of losing them. do i really have them, though? do i own them? i know i derive pleasure from them, but does that make them mine? maybe they don't really exist, maybe it's all in my head...but i don't believe that.
why don't i believe that? there's nothing that says otherwise...well okay, maybe a few things that do. pretty much everything i know tells me that the people i know and the things i love are real--they exist! but as i'm coming to find out, the things i 'know' i don't really know. so should i really trust that instinct? i don't think i know how not to. it's easy to say yeah, forsake it, do the opposite of whatever it tells you, but how can i? that is the only thing i know how to do--trust in the beliefs, ideas, and concepts i've learned.
so what i can say is this: the only thing i know how to do right now is trust in the things i've learned, because with that...what is there? where does that leave me? afraid is where, and i don't know what to do with that. however, i think i owe it to my self to question the things i've learned since i can't remember ever putting them there in the first place...my beliefs, ideas, concepts... yeah, they're the things i know and love, but what if that love was a lie? would i still love them? i have to find out...i have to know for sure...
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