tooth decay

so basically i'm going to confront my demons one by one and hope that i've got enough guns and ammo to make it through the process. it's going to leave a blackened, bloody battlefield behind, and i can't imagine it will be the least bit pleasant. but i will persevere...nothing will stop me. i'm going to torch my sails and bomb my ship until i start to sink, plunging to the bottom of the ocean...and then i'm going to sink some more.

"just try to say something true and keep at it until you do."

something true... why does the ego exist? is it just a coping mechanism for our fears? are all of our emotions/reactions learned? i mean, obviously, but what about feelings? dogs feel fear...are they egoic creatures, too? but dogs don't plot and scheme against each other...maybe that just means that they're not smart enough. so fear must be built into us biologically...it has an effect on our physical bodies when it takes hold. increased heart beat, fidgety movements, weak feelings in the stomach... so that's the physical manifestation of it.

what is there to be afraid of? everything is okay just the way it is. my parents will die eventually--yes, i love them, but i have to recognize and accept this fact. they could disappear from my life at any moment, and that would be okay, i guess.

i am afraid that if i don't brush my teeth, plaque will build up on my teeth and cause decay and eventually pain.

why am i afraid of this?

well, for one, i don't like pain--especially tooth pain... for two, i have learned that it is a "bad thing" to have bad teeth, so i want to have good teeth, so that i can be loved and recognized by my peers. you know what? it doesn't matter how much they love and recognize you, it isn't going to change anything. say i had the ultimate love and recognition of everyone in the world--would it make me happy? or do you only want those things when you don't have them, like sex, food, sleep, or warmth? why would i want love and recognition? am i afraid of being unrecognized or unloved? would that mean that i don't exist? what if i was ghost, able to roam and observe the world, but not allowed to participate in it? that would be horrible...i would watch all of these people living their lives, doing whatever... why would it suck to be a ghost? because once again, i wouldn't be part of everyone else. i'm not really part of everyone else, anyway, because there is no everyone else. it's just an idea i've created in my head that i'm clinging to. there is no 'everyone else.' i am alone, completely and wholly alone...i just need a while to get used to the idea, because i still think in terms of being part of the human race.