nothing matters. the only scope into which anything can logically and perfectly fit into is a perspective of oblivion.

ok, so i'm here and i don't know what to write. "sit down, shut up, and ask yourself what's true until you know." what's true? nothing. truth doesn't exist. is that a truth? that truth doesn't exist? because if that ('nothing') is true, then truth does exist. but is there any existing truth other than that one? i think that that might be true: the only thing that's true is nothing.

what the fuck do i write now?

the only thing that is true is that nothing - nothing - matters, at all...

i'm afraid of sooo many things i'm surprised i can even walk around a corner without jumping. and yet, somehow, i've covered it up in my mind so well that i'm barely even aware of it. even this, spiritual autolysis, seems like just another way of running away. suicide - an escape; spiritual autolysis - an escape; drugs - an escape; the military - an escape. if i even try to think about the things i'm afraid of, my mind instantly runs away, blocks it out. as soon as i try to deal with anything and i feel even a tinge of sadness for myself, my mind finds an escape. that is some kind of determination, though - the drive to find an escape. i am a being of complete and submersive comfort. i don't think about things that make me uncomfortable and i don't do things that make me uncomfortable.

what is spiritual autolysis? is it just an escape? it's crazy, because even though i have no idea what it is, it feels like the only true path.

it's weird, because, i'm realizing, the only things that i really want have to do with escapism. get some money, buy a house, grow psychoactive plants in the basement...escape. go to sleep and dream forever...escape. i'm like an escape artist - i'm a master at escaping from myself. except that i'm not. sometimes i can't escape, and it tears me to shreds. until i gotosleepwakeupfeelbetter.

i don't know if any of this is true, i'm only trying to write something...this is kind of like wrestling with my own mind, because i can't tell what i know and what i don't know. it's like impossible for me to be honest with myself.

what do i want? i have no idea. what is it to want something? i guess i should have asked this question: what do i ultimately want out of life? i don't know...i would say that i don't care about life that much, but i'm not sure that that's the truth. i have no idea what the truth is. i'm having a hard time differentiating between truth and non-truth right now.

either way, now i have a path to follow.