my one dream is to have a cd of my recordings, but.. it's just too much work. haha, i'm too lazy to work toward something that would make me happy. i'm too...maybe lazy is the wrong word. maybe i'm too fucking tired to play this game. i don't wanna dress up anymore, or pretend. i want to not want. anything. ever.

actually, that's probably a lie to myself. i want the same thing any creature with neurotransmitters and neurons wants - to feel good. to make up a world inside my head with pleasure and reward systems that i can manipulate in order to feel good. dopamine, baby; serotonin.

it's funny, the idea that every human thinks there is something more to them; something permanent and stable - I. I is so ambiguous; volatile. take away all of the feel-good chemicals from a person and I is a completely different thing. unstable, non-permanent.