unique

i can see how i am false. it makes sense to me, and it's interesting, but it doesn't infuriate me. obviously, i'm not upset about it. i must not really be seeing it--not clearly at least. and without that, i probably won't have the proper motivation needed to shrug off the man-suit. so i need to get upset about it. i need to find all the reasons it pisses me off.

who is really getting pissed off, though? the man-suit? i'm just the ghost underneath. i guess the only thing holding my attention right now is that i find all of this extremely fascinating. i'm not really mad about anything. not in the way julie from SIE is mad. then again, i didn't dedicate 15 years of my life to following someone else's imaginary bullshit. or did i?

what are all the things i believe in? truth, passion, honesty, respect, love...what else? why do i believe in those things? why don't i believe in falseness, laziness, disrespect, and hatred? probably because they don't bring about good feelings. but this isn't about good or bad, because those things are still just part of the dreamworld.

what am i afraid of? what am i hiding from? what do i not want to think about? it's like those things are buried so deep in my mind i don't even know what they are, that's how terrified i am of them.

Who am I?

i am zach. okay, this seems like a simple answer to the question. but i don't see anything wrong with this answer. hold on a minute, maybe i do. i am a name? just a name? nothing more than that? some made up word. that is what i am.

well that doesn't seem right at all. how can I be something that was made up? i can't have always been this thing obviously, but when did i become it? truthfully, never. someone else decided that this was my name either before or after i was born--i had nothing to do with it. so what did they do to pair me with it? say it over and over again to my face? teach it to me so that i would learn to come whenever called? like a dog?

no, i definitely can't be zach. it's just...a name. some scribbles. a picture. how can i possibly be a picture?

okay. so who am i if i'm not zach? it's weird to think that i have no association to that name whatsoever. that it isn't me, because i've always thought of it as me. ZACH. it's so familiar, i know it so well. how could it not be me? because it isn't anything. just a name. and it existed long before me, i certainly wasn't the first one to have it. i guess what i'm really asking is, am i unique?

am i the first me? i don't see how there could be possibly be more than one of me. there is no one that is exactly like me, and even if they were, they still wouldn't be me. i am...an individual... that sounds so pathetic. because i know it isn't true.

but still, i feel like i am the only me.