intent

what is drawing me back into this? why do i keep wanting to look at this stuff and figure it out? am i not happy with my life? is it merely curiosity that is drawing me back?

'there will come a point where your intent strengthens, it builds up.'

i guess the reason i'm afraid to question my intent is that i'm afraid. i'm afraid that my intent won't be genuine and i will see that and realize that i'm just doing this because...i want to be different from other people or something like that. the truth is, i'm afraid that my motives won't be genuine and when i see that, i'll stop. i won't keep doing this.

and why is that such a bad thing? why would not doing this be so bad? because that would mean going back to my life, my meaningless, pathetic life, which doesn't make any sense.

so that's it. i'm trying to use this to escape from my life, from my self. if i had virtually unlimited money, beautiful women, respect and love from everyone around me, would i still be doing this? even better: say i had unlimited, pharmaceutical-grade heroin; would i still be doing this?

i really don't know. it's doubtful, because i am a pretty weak person.

what is drawing me back into this? where is this coming from? why do i keep putting myself in this position to look at this stuff, when it would clearly be easier to just drown myself and whine, and go out and have fun.