restrained

it's so strange to think that i am not what i thought i am, what i've thought of as 'me' my whole life. all the traits about me, my tattoos, my eyes, my voice, my love of music. i am nothing.

imagine losing everything. what does that include?

my guitar, my ability to play guitar, to write music, to hear and appreciate beautiful music, queens of the stone age, my mom and dad, their love for me, my life, my hopes and dreams, opiates, women, food, sex, freedom, sleep, the ability to be happy, being able to fall asleep listening to music or watching a movie, slint, polvo, simply being comfortable, feeling safe. those are just the good things though. everything is everything.

what would my parents think if i was gay and why am i afraid of that? what would my friends and peers think? they probably wouldn't talk to me anymore. they would probably judge me (oh no!). what if they found out that i was really into raping and murdering little children? imagine what they would say, the reactions on their faces upon finding out. pure, unadulterated hatred mixed with the blackest, most vile disgust.

or maybe there would be disbelief.

freedom is an important thing to me. i've been locked up before and i don't want to be locked up again. it's not an enjoyable experience. i really take for granted my freedom. can i really be locked up though? who (or what) is being locked up? i never even had to go to the hole.

another thing that terrifies me is being physically restrained. when i was a kid i got bit on the nose by my mom's dog and had to go to the hospital. well the doctors had to tie me down while they did whatever they did because i wouldn't sit still. i was kicking and screaming and it was one of the worst feelings. i felt like i was suffocating.

i'm trying to imagine taking that even farther. what it would be like to be permanently restrained in a room with no light, no sound, no smells, nothing. unable to move or experience anything (except being restrained). that would drive me nuts. it would literally be agony.